as one of Esther Beryl, the world’s most famous couples therapist, has come across a whole spectrum of relationships. But it is her parents’ marriage to Polish Jews that she credits with shaping her worldview. They met at the end of World War II, after surviving life in a concentration camp. They had nothing, lost their families and suffered an unimaginable trauma.
“My father thought he was the luckiest man because the woman he ended up living with and married to would never have been his wife without the war,” Esther says, adding that her well-educated mother was not her father.
“My mother’s philosophy was that relationships are based on will and compromise. It was a very practical point of view. They had tensions but were also good companions; they enjoyed life together, they had similar views on how they wanted to live.”
They mostly taught her how to survive in the face of adversity and how to communicate with it joie de vivre. “Everyone knows the difference between a relationship that isn’t dead and one that’s alive: a relationship that lasts and a relationship that thrives,” she says.
Belgian-born, New York-based therapist, best known for her popular podcast from where we start?Talking to Sunday life Before a lecture tour in Australia next month.
Launched in 2017, the podcast features real-life counseling sessions with anonymous couples: young and old, gay, straight and curious, monogamous, polygamous, in new, long-term, and on-and-off relationships. The secret ingredient, of course, is Esther. Empathic and insightful, she’s also tough when she needs to be. Her style is gentle yet assertive, playful, earnest, compassionate, and demanding.
People reveal the most intimate, raw, and extraordinary details of their lives, and her ability to help them deal with issues is inspiring. Even those in happy, healthy relationships enjoy the show, which may be the reason for its immense popularity, from Gen Z to Boomers.
Esther recently launched another podcast called How is the work? which examines workplace communications, and its TED Talks, including one presented at the Sydney Opera House, have garnered more than 40 million views.
The 64-year-old psychiatrist speaks nine languages and cites curiosity and good listening as traits that make her good at her job. Her transition to relationship counseling came after years of working in family counseling and was inspired by the case of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. She has written two books, including Mating in Captivity: Unleashing Sexual Intelligence and recently New York times Best seller State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.
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In addition to running her own clinic two days a week, she has a multidisciplinary online training platform for therapists and coaches called Sessions, and an online course for couples called Rekindling Desire. After the pandemic, it released a card game designed to get people to tell their stories.
Esther has worked with thousands of couples since she started her practice and wants to help people’s relationships thrive, not just survive; To enjoy fun, communication and perfection. “Not being broke doesn’t mean one feels good,” she says. “Not suffering does not mean that one knows how to feel pleasure.”
She was famous for saying things like, “Fix the sex and your relationship will transform,” arguing that eroticism isn’t an optional extra, it’s intrinsic.
“Connecting with our lives is a source of trauma healing,” she says. “The erotic is in itself a resource that helps us deal with our pain and suffering.
“In the camps, people would stage, sing, make music, paint, and make love in the toughest conditions. They didn’t wait to get out of there—that’s what kept them alive in the first place.”
“Connecting with our lives is a source of healing for trauma. Eroticism is in itself a resource that helps us deal with our pain and suffering.”
But the biggest challenge facing couples who come to her for marital counseling is the issue of “The One.” She says that this question is actually a mirror to ourselves. “It’s not just an idea” Have you found the right person? ‘But am I the right person? Who am I?’
It’s often a case of ambivalence in relationships, about which you have mixed feelings, she says. This question: Should I stay or shall I go? It’s too good to leave, too bad to stay. Am I happy enough? Is there another life for me? Can I take steps towards that? “
Nearly 40 years later, Beryl has seen drastic changes in what drives people to practice it.attributed to him:Katie McCurdy
Esther is married with two children. Esther and her husband, Jack Sol – an academic and psychologist – met when she was 23. They were good friends before they became romantically involved. Did you think he was “the one” when they met? “No I didn’t. We were very close friends for two years before we got together. But I knew I didn’t have that depth of connection with anyone, and no one had ever spoken to me on that level.”
Several decades after they met, she says there is no way the relationship will be the same. “We’ve been able to change it, to create different dynamics all the time. That savvy, and the ability to be creative in the relationship, is what will help people reinvent themselves.”
“It’s not just an idea” Have you found the right person? ‘But am I the right person? Who am I?’
“I often joke but it’s actually true: Most of us today will have two or three relationships or marriages in our adult lives and some of us will do so with the same person.”
While people applaud long-term relationships, they suggest that longevity is not necessarily a sign of success; People can be together for years and be completely miserable.
After nearly 40 years, Esther has seen drastic changes in what drives people to practice it. Marriage without sex or having a cheating partner was not something that therapy began for several decades ago. She says it was as it was.
Nowadays, infidelity is an essential entry point for treatment. You remember when gay couples started coming in, people were exploring polygamous relationships, platonic co-parenting, relationships where someone was out, or couples who wanted to explore their weirdness. These things appeared over time and became triggers to help.
Do you think we place too many expectations on one individual? “Yeah, it’s a method,” she says. “We need multiple relationships: family ties, friendships, colleagues, creative partners, and sometimes other romantic partners. We want one person to give us what an entire village would have given at once.”
Esther argues that we require our romantic partners to provide and satisfy us with a set of contradictory needs. “This idea that we want to solidify, stability, predictability, safety, reliability and security, but also adventure, freedom, exploration, curiosity, passion, excitement — that is the paradox.”
“Most of us today will have two or three relationships or marriages in our adult lives and some of us will do so with the same person.”
We require the same person to meet two different sets of needs, which are often at odds with one another, she says. “The modern art of love is the reconciliation of these two opposing forces; it is not impossible but it is an art that changes all the time.” “It requires agility and agility, and with very centered people, that’s its beauty.”
She says those who are successful have much better relationships than those of the past.
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Interestingly, Esther says couples therapy is the most difficult of all. Why did you do that? “It’s endlessly wonderful,” she says, “and it’s unbelievable how two people can create heaven and hell.”
“That’s why I created the podcast. It’s extraordinary how people can tell you what happened yesterday and then the other person tells you, This is what happened yesterday. These stories can be very different, even though they describe the same events.”
“The ability to live with multiple perspectives is one of the constant challenges in life,” Esther says. “This is art, this is more than just science.”
Esther Perel will be in Sydney on November 25 and December 3, in Melbourne on November 27 and in Brisbane on December 1. Buy tickets here.
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Originally published at Melbourne News Vine
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